So, as I’ve said, I’ve been creatively burnt out for at least 3 years. All my quick/local efforts to rectify this don’t seem to help as much as I hope. That’s why I’m looking forward to Portland like someone with a bursting bladder panically runs to the bathroom; relief and knowing that everything will be alright if I can just make it there.

That being said, I’m finding that I’m losing my patience with clients where I normally wouldn’t. I would never let them see that, but when I’m alone I do sit and grumble, rail against indignities and claim to cut them off after the current project is completed. But, as I soothe myself with the thought of “it’s almost Portland time!”, I wonder if it’s just me and my burnt-out state. Granted, there are one or two clients that I know I’m getting my chain yanked by, but what about the rest?

Am I literally at a serious breaking point? Can it be fixed, healed or mended whether or not I actually reach that point? Do I let the dam break in a non-client environment and just see what comes out of the wreckage? I’m trying so hard to not let the seams burst, but what if bursting in a “controlled environment” will do me more good than trying to keep it all together? Does it sound stupid to just have a good cry right before the trip so that I let it all out and go on the trip with a clean frame of mind?

This all sounds so silly, high school and trite when I say or write it, but I know what I’m feeling does not feel right. I’d rather try all the possible options rather than just let it eat at me until I lose all love and passion for creative work. I never want to lose the high I feel when I’m doing something creative. I do want to lose the guilt I feel when I see all my art supplies or see the portfolios and projects of others.

It’s worth fighting for, and if fighting means allowing myself to crash & burn, break and/or bawl uncontrollably like a baby so that I can bring myself back up, I’ll do it. It scares the hell out of me, but I will. 22 days until Portland.

Dear Michelle 2011,
Has 2010 taught you anything? I hope so. For instance, I hope the first seeds you sow are your cool-season crops on or around St. Patty’s Day, as is the tradition in Reno. If you order seeds online, I hope you remember to give them to Ralph when they arrive so that he can hide them from you until Tax Day. You hear that? TAX DAY.

If you forget and you sow early, you totally deserve the crowded areas around your windows, the gnats you detest so much that you forewent indoor plants for so long to avoid, the sad-looking seedlings that look like they won’t make it, the pain of hardening off too many plants that you didn’t winter sow (in and out, in and out, in and out), the realization that your Spring Cleaning efforts are almost all for naught after one weekend of said hardening off, the legginess of more than half of your seedlings because you don’t have a grow light.

Isn’t that what you should be doing right now, instead of fussing over seedlings? Spring Cleaning, finishing up any indoor projects before the warm, non-windy weather beckons you like a siren and doing more of the personal art projects I hope you accomplished in 2010. On nice early Spring days, did you spend the time to amend your clay soil in the front yard? The soil that make planting any new plants or seeds a pain in the ass? Have you at least mulched?!?!?!?

Please remember that late April through most of May is windy, and you hate the wind, don’t you? You’ll neglect things outside on the really windy days and realize that you may have to redo a lot of what you have already accomplished because you started too soon.

If you’ve found a way to create a hoop house, cold frame, cold tunnel or other contraption to lengthen your growing season, do not forget to only start with seeds you know you can replace/resow if they don’t make it your first year using your newfangled thingamajig.

DO remember that you liked using iced mocha cups for starting eggplants and tomatoes and that baggies over red plastic cups (for Sugar Baby watermelon, lemon cucumbers and zucchini) will only work if, as soon as the plant is big enough to not fit in the baggie, it should be near planting-out time. Beans grow fast and do not need to be started indoors.

Remember to try wintersown gardening. If you forget your reasons, look at token’s blog for 2010. He had hundreds of plants that were hardy and good-sized to work with.

Exercise patience, don’t use the generic Ace soil in the white bag and remember to order & use the nifty spray you found that reduced the clay-i-ness of your soil.

Best wishes,
Michelle 2010