So, as I’ve said, I’ve been creatively burnt out for at least 3 years. All my quick/local efforts to rectify this don’t seem to help as much as I hope. That’s why I’m looking forward to Portland like someone with a bursting bladder panically runs to the bathroom; relief and knowing that everything will be alright if I can just make it there.
That being said, I’m finding that I’m losing my patience with clients where I normally wouldn’t. I would never let them see that, but when I’m alone I do sit and grumble, rail against indignities and claim to cut them off after the current project is completed. But, as I soothe myself with the thought of “it’s almost Portland time!”, I wonder if it’s just me and my burnt-out state. Granted, there are one or two clients that I know I’m getting my chain yanked by, but what about the rest?
Am I literally at a serious breaking point? Can it be fixed, healed or mended whether or not I actually reach that point? Do I let the dam break in a non-client environment and just see what comes out of the wreckage? I’m trying so hard to not let the seams burst, but what if bursting in a “controlled environment” will do me more good than trying to keep it all together? Does it sound stupid to just have a good cry right before the trip so that I let it all out and go on the trip with a clean frame of mind?
This all sounds so silly, high school and trite when I say or write it, but I know what I’m feeling does not feel right. I’d rather try all the possible options rather than just let it eat at me until I lose all love and passion for creative work. I never want to lose the high I feel when I’m doing something creative. I do want to lose the guilt I feel when I see all my art supplies or see the portfolios and projects of others.
It’s worth fighting for, and if fighting means allowing myself to crash & burn, break and/or bawl uncontrollably like a baby so that I can bring myself back up, I’ll do it. It scares the hell out of me, but I will. 22 days until Portland.